Did I Hire The Wrong Planner? Are They Really Working For Me?

Mike and Mimi

  In the last month I have read dozens of posts on social media from brides who are disappointed with the planner they chose and want to fire them. I have spoken to several brides who feel as if their weddings have been affected by a planner who does not respond, who insists on their vendors and not the couples choices, who have spent money in places where the couple did not want it spent. They have asked me, "should I fire my planner?". The answer is not simple. But, here are some things to consider.     

Hiring a wedding planner requires an extraordinary amount of trust.  You are giving someone access to one of the largest discretionary budgets you may ever spend.  You're relying upon that person to recommend  professionals, evaluate proposals, coordinate details,  anticipate problems and help you make decisions about  an event you probably have never planned before.  So there is one question I think every couple should be able to answer:  Who is your planner working for?  The answer should be very simple.  You.  That doesn't mean your planner should agree with everything you say, quite the opposite.  You hired expertise. Sometimes expertise means hearing:  "I don't recommend that."  "That won't work the way you think it will."  "There is a better use for that money."  "We need to make this decision now."  That's professional guidance.

But somewhere between guiding a client and controlling a wedding, a line can be crossed.  And couples need to know where that line is.  Your planner is not there to spend your money.  Your planner is there to help you make intelligent decisions about how you want to spend it.  Those are very different things.  This becomes particularly important with large wedding budgets.  A client having the ability to afford something doesn't automatically make it a wise recommendation.  “You can afford it” is not a budgeting philosophy.  If a floral proposal is $80,000,  perhaps $80,000 is entirely appropriate for the design being proposed.  Or perhaps another approach could create the couple's desired effect for considerably less.  The planner's responsibility isn't automatically to choose the cheapest option.  Nor is it automatically to choose the most expensive one.  It's to help the client understand the choices.  What are we buying?  Why does it cost this much?  Are there alternatives?  What would we sacrifice by spending less?  What would we gain by spending more?  Where will additional money create a meaningful impact?  Where won't it?  

  A substantial budget should create possibilities.  It should not eliminate discernment.  Preferred vendors should be a resource, not a trap.   Experienced planners develop relationships.  That's one of the things you're paying for.  We know photographers who perform beautifully under pressure, florists who deliver what they promised, caterers who solve problems., entertainment companies that know how to read a room.  Those relationships can be extraordinarily valuable.  But the recommendation should still serve your wedding, your style, your budget, your priorities, your personality.

    There may be perfectly legitimate reasons a particular professional isn't appropriate for your event. Your planner should tell you that.  But there is a difference between:  “I  don't recommend this vendor, and here's why.”  and  “You aren't allowed to use that vendor.” or “you must use the vendors I tell you to use”. Ask questions.  And if your planner receives commissions, referral fees or other financial benefits from recommended vendors, ask about that too.  Transparency matters.  Advice and authority are not the same thing.  Your planner may know more about weddings than you do, that's why you hired one.  But professional expertise does not transfer ownership of the wedding.  Suppose something matters deeply to you.  Maybe it's a family tradition.  Maybe it's a particular moment during the ceremony.  Maybe it's hugging every member of your wedding party.  Maybe it's a song that makes absolutely no sense to anyone except the two of you.  Your planner may say:  “Here's the problem this creates.”  .  That may be good advice.  Ask why, don’t just sit quietly upset, it’s your wedding.  Advice is what you're paying for.  But once you understand the ramifications, if you say:  “I understand. This is important to us. How can we make it work?”  the conversation should change.

    Now we solve it.  We don't redesign the meaning of someone's wedding simply because our way is more convenient.  A timeline isn't just a schedule.  This is another place where experienced planning matters.  Imagine that the timeline says:  9:00 PM: Cake Cutting.  But when does photography coverage end?  When does the band take a break?  When is catering ready?  Who needs to be in the room?  Has someone told the parents?  Where are the couple?  What happens if dinner runs twenty minutes late?  The value isn't typing 9:00: Cake Cutting into a spreadsheet.  The value is seeing everything that has to be true for 9:00 to work.  That's planning.

    The same applies to photographs, transportation, ceremony timing, vendor arrival, room changes, meal service and hundreds of other moving pieces.  A planner shouldn't merely know what is supposed to happen.  An experienced planner should be looking ahead for the places where things could collide.  Full Service should mean something.  If you are paying for full-service planning, ask exactly what that means.  Who maintains the budget?  Who communicates with vendors?  Who reviews proposals?  Who tracks deadlines?  Who creates the timeline?  Who attends meetings?  Who follows up when someone doesn't respond?  Who verifies final details?  Who notices that one vendor's contract ends before something important is scheduled to happen?  Your contract should make the scope clear.  But your conversations should tell you something else.  How does this person think?  Because you're not only purchasing tasks, you are purchasing judgment.  And when something goes wrong?  Something will, even if it is not necessarily something catastrophic.  But weddings involve people, weather, transportation, food, flowers, electricity, clothing, alcohol, equipment, personalities and timing.  Something eventually changes.  The question isn't whether your transportation, food, flowers, electricity, clothing, alcohol, equipment, personalities and timing.  Something eventually changes.  The question isn't whether your planner can prevent every problem, nobody can.  The question is, what does she do next?  Does she listen?  Does she take responsibility where appropriate?  Does she find a solution?  Does she protect you from unnecessary stress?  Does she know when to involve you and when to simply handle it?

    And if you're unhappy after the wedding, does she listen before she defends?  Client care doesn't end when the last guest leaves.  You are not hiring someone to take over your wedding, you are hiring someone to make you better equipped to experience it.  A wonderful planner should expand your possibilities, bring knowledge to the table, tell you the truth, protect your interests, challenge you when necessary, advocate for you, solve problems, respect your money, and create enough structure around the celebration that you don't have to spend the wedding operating it yourself.  The planner has expertise.  The planner has experience.  The planner may have very strong opinions.  But there should never be confusion about one fundamental fact:  The wedding still belongs to you.  So before you hire a planner, don't only ask what she does, ask how she works.  Ask how she handles disagreement.  Ask how she manages budgets.  Ask how she chooses recommendations.   Ask about financial relationships.  Ask what happens when the plan changes.  And then ask yourself:  Do I trust this person not only to plan my wedding, but to remember whose wedding it is?  Because ultimately, that's who your planner should be working for.  You.

    Whether your planner charges $3,000,  $30,000 or considerably more, that premise shouldn't change. You hired someone to stand in your corner.  Make sure you understand who they're working for.  Most importantly, trust your gut.  If it feels wrong, it probably is.  Do not hesitate to fire someone, who at the end of the day, is going to make you wish you had canceled your wedding.  You may lose a deposit, though “breach of contract” is a real thing.  Honestly, losing a deposit is better than hating your wedding day.  Don’t be afraid to listen to your heart.